Night

It was just past 11, it had rained heavily.

I was lying on my bed scrolling through my life on social media, one app at a time, when your roommate called me. Maybe something bad happened at work today, someone must’ve said something. Maybe you just fought with a friend or with your father. It could’ve been any of these things, or maybe it was something else entirely. All I know is that when I reached your room, you were in tears.

You were facing the other way with your back towards me, your roommate tried talking to you but you didn’t listen. I was never really fond of your roommate. She always seemed too self-centered and aloof. But today, even she was trying to reach out to you with genuine concern and compassion. She tried to talk to you for another hour while I just sat on the floor.

After a while, she went to her room as she had to leave for her home that day. I helped her pack and got her a cab. Once she left, I rushed back as I knew I could talk to you now and you could talk to me. I figured that’s all you needed, to just talk. Usually after talking to each other, both of us used to feel better and it should have worked that day too.

But it didn’t. I asked you if you wanted to talk about what happened and your response was a hasty yet simple ‘No’.

This was uncharted territory for me, I didn’t know how to comfort someone without talking to them. I told myself to not panic, to not get anxious. I started patting your head, slowly and gently. Your forehead was warm and my fingertips were cold.

Time stood still. I felt like we were frozen in that one moment. Your body moving as you breathed, my fingers running entangled in your hair. Lightning and thunder standing still in the air. I lied down and put my arms around you. You seem to sink into them. Entangling your fingers in mine, you pulled my arms as if tightly wrapping yourself in them.

You smelled like fresh rain and lilies.

Your body was warm, almost burning. Mine was cold. We were in perfect harmony. This moment felt like an eternity, and I was happy to be lost in it. Actually, I was too happy.

And when I’m too happy, I do stupid shit.

So, I muster up all my courage and without even looking at you, I uttered- “I am in love with- ”

“Don’t say it,” you said softly and took a pause.

And then, in that millisecond, I thought of all the possible worst-case scenarios. But before I could give myself a panic attack, you spoke again.

“I know,” you said, with your face still facing the other way.

I felt like laughing at myself. Here I was thinking that it was some big dramatic secret but you knew all along.

“Since when have you known”?

“Since class 9th”

“Great”

I’m a fool.

But that’s not important right now, there’s a more pressing issue at hand.

“Do you want to try dating?”

“It won’t work”

“Why?”

“It just won’t.”, you said.

With such strong conviction as if it was a universal truth.

“You could’ve said something.”

“I never really thought you would confess and even if you did, it wouldn’t have led to anything.”

“Then why am I here?”

“I don’t know. Why are you here?”

“Because you are my friend”, I wish I had said that. Instead, I said nothing.

We stayed like that all night, I could feel you breathing and I could hear your heartbeats. I’m not sure if you could hear mine. Suddenly you reach out for your phone and played ‘A different age’ by Current Joys. I could feel your feet moving slowly with the beats of the song. Tapping slowly against my feet. I started slightly moving my fingers too, tapping your hand as the music played. For a moment, it felt as if you’re not quite convinced with yourself. For a moment, it seemed as if you believed in us.

But then the music stopped.

It was almost morning and I knew your maid would be there in some time.

So, even though I didn’t want to leave, I pulled myself back and got up.

You still didn’t turn back, it’s been 12 hours and I haven’t seen your face once. I knew this was my last chance to talk to you about my feelings. We both knew that once I left, last night would cease to exist.

This was my only window.

“How are you so sure that it won’t work?”.

“Because-”.

“Because what?”.

“Because I know I would never fall in love with you.”.

Goddamn! That’s a painful thing to hear.

To be told that you’ll remain unlovable to someone you like no matter what happens. It’s like reliving all your bad memories at once. You probably gave an explanation of why you would never fall in love with me, but I was too lost in my own head.

See, to me, the reason didn’t matter. All that matters was that you knew with conviction that you would never fall in love with me. Weirdly, I came here 12 hours ago because you were sad and now, I have a heavy heart.

Maybe sadness is like a cold. Infectious. Almost viral.

“Do you hate me?” You asked and broke my chain of thought.

I don’t hate you, I couldn’t. I felt a certain way about you, and you didn’t feel the same. It was nobody’s fault. You aren’t obliged to return my feelings. And had I known all of this before, I would’ve still come here to check on a friend.

Probably wouldn’t have patted your head though.

I know this, I know all of this but that’s not what you want to hear.

“No. I don’t hate you”. I said as I put on my shoes.

“I’ll see you around”.

Both of us knew we would never talk about this night ever again. How I got rejected without even confessing and how you almost believed in us. Years of longing and secrets have led to this night.

This night that never was, this night that never will be.

I left thinking about what will happen next, thinking what turn our story will take. But I also felt relieved. A secret I have kept hidden for 10 years was no longer there. It left a vacant space in my heart. It feels almost weightless. I know our story won’t have a happy ending, there are no happy endings.

Now I no longer care how it ends.

Sahir ne bhi kya khoob likha tha ki

वो अफ़्साना जिसे अंजाम तक लाना न हो मुमकिन,
उसे इक ख़ूब-सूरत मोड़ दे कर छोड़ना अच्छा |