Waiting

Waiting sucks.

I’m sitting on a bench, fiddling my fingers. I move my leg up and down before I remember how you hate it when I do that. So I stop.

I think of all the stories I’m going to tell you. I think of the jokes and segues in conversation which will lead to those jokes. I think of what food we will eat, it makes me hungrier so I stop thinking about it. I look up pickup lines on Reddit and puns on Tumblr. I replay Fresh feelings by the Eels over and over again. And I look at my watch to see that only 5 minutes have passed.

Einstein was right, time is relative. If this was any other day, we would have talked for hours and it would’ve felt shorter than 5 minutes.

I open up our chats, scroll through our conversation while playing it in my head. I tried to act very cool in the beginning, but the facade broke away and this dork emerged.

You’re late, it’s been 20 minutes past the time when we were supposed to meet. I’m not angry, you are never late. So, if you’re late you must have some reason for it. I’m kinda worried though, a bit anxious too. I keep thinking of the worst. I mean I can spiral down the path of overthinking and I’m sure time will fly by swiftly like it always does. If I start to overthink, I can spend eons without even realizing it.

I look at the flowers that are on the opposite end of the road. Should I have gotten you flowers? I can get you Magnolias that are across the road. But I don’t really know what kind of flowers you like. Do you like roses or sunflowers? Not like it matters, because right now I can’t get you one. What if just as I leave, you come. And then you leave, and we just end up missing each other.

I don’t want that, so I’ll just be patient.

I think of when we first met, I think of the times when you were kind to me. I think of how you like summers and ice cream. I think of that one rebellious hair that keeps falling in your face. I think of the fingertips that gently tuck that hair behind your ear, for it to rebel again.

I think of how you laugh at every silly thing like a child, how considerate you are towards others. I think all of this and more, only to spend a lousy 10 minutes.

I’ve never hated the abstract concept of time, as much as I do now.

I then begin to think of the time when I didn’t know you. All those years of isolation and emotional abuse. I think of all the past failures and all those heartbreaks that preceded you. I think of the nights when I cried myself to sleep. I think of a time when I wondered if people even saw me.

I changed the song, and as I tilt my head back I saw Orion’s belt. Bright and easy to spot. You would love it.  I’ll show it to you when you are here.

In a lot of ways, you saved me. I think of all those moments when I waited for you, not even knowing who I am waiting for. I think of all the music I kept collecting hoping to share it with someone one day. I think of the stories, the affection, the care I kept in reserve. And I think of how much I waited for you all these years. In my best moments and in my worst moments too.

And if I could spend more than a decade waiting for you, I think I can wait 10 minutes more.

So that’s what I do, I wait and hope that you like Magnolias.