The case for “not being different”

“It’s important to be different from others “

This was the one immutable principle of my teenage years. I used to think I must stand out. I must be different. This was all a result of my sudden interaction with the world of the internet and social media. I was competing with the world to be different from it. Funny enough most of us go through a similar phase. When no one understands us. When we create the illusion of being different in our own head. And if we are not, we must be different from others. Even parents patronize the notion of “you’re not like other kids”. Pop culture reinforces it. The uber-cool protagonists of our childhood are all characters who are different. Characters that are transgressors. Unique characters. But if you ask me now? I can’t help but make a case for “not being different”

In class 8th I first heard Linkin Park’s Breaking the habit. It blew my mind, after which I sort of developed an obsession, I only listened to Linkin park and that’s it. I used to think “I’m so different, no one listens to such a band, I’m cool”. But then I told one of my classmates about Linkin Park. He loved them too, as much as I did. And we talked about their songs for hours, we would watch their videos. And a few years back when Chester passed away both of us were in equal shock and pain. Sharing Linkin Park with Rishi was one of the best decisions I made. It became the foundation of what is now a decade long friendship. Rishi and I still listen to Linkin Park and reminisce

But despite all this, I was still pursuing uniqueness. I had to be different, I had to act differently. Being a kid that changed schools a lot, I had plenty of opportunities to make the first impression. I always thought “I should be different this time”. What I never realized then but do realize now is that in my pursuit of being different, I isolated myself. I was so quick to see how different I am from others, that I never noticed how much I was like them. You can’t be friends with people if you can’t relate to them. And I was vigilantly stopping myself from relating. So it’s no wonder I did very poorly in the friendship department in high school.

When I changed cities and came to college, I had yet another big opportunity of “being different”. I did exactly that and as a result, I wasted 2 out of 3 years of my college life in either isolation or in a terrible company. I wasn’t participating and I never extended a hand of friendship because I was too proud of a faux-virtue to do so. I had attributed so much virtue to the notion of “being different” that the agony of isolation was worth it. Even when I could relate to people I would act like I can’t. It reached a point where I could no longer empathize. But, I did break out of it and made some amazing friends. I went on trips, watched movies and actually had fun. Without worrying about being different from them.

Come Postgrad, I changed colleges and the old habit kicked in almost automatically. I always came to classes with earphones, I barely talked to people. Yet again I thought to myself “I had to be different”. Till Undergrad, I had lived with someone but in Postgrad I have a single room. This time when the isolation kicked in like it always does when I chase “being different” I had no one to fall back on to. My mental health deteriorated. I had panic attacks, I had so much anxiety that I felt nauseated. If you keep on acting like you can’t relate with anyone, it reinforces the notion that you’re on your own.

You are Unique, You are Different, You are Alone.

And then I started writing and in this very blog, the most-read post is the one that people found “most relatable”. And honestly, it felt great to know that a lot of people feel what I feel. That most of us are as lost, as scared and as freaked out as the next person. In my final year, I started reaching out to people. I started forcing myself to empathize. And I finally stopped lying to myself. I was like a lot of people and that’s much more amazing. It’s natural to be different when you grow up in two different spaces. So it’s more amazing to find that someone who grew up 800 km away from you can quote “Sarabhai vs Sarabhai” the same as you.

I can say with confidence that there is no inherent value in “being different” from others. You don’t have to “be different”, you are different. No two people are alike, no matter how similar they seem. No two people are so completely different that they can’t agree on something. The world is not divided into the categories of different and same. Everybody is different and everybody’s the same. But, there is a value in relating to others better because then you can empathize better with them. When you empathize better you become kinder to yourself and to others.

I now get excited when I find people with similar tastes. I now enthusiastically share music with people when I first get to know them. It is my way of extending an offer of companionship. Because 10 years ago I shared music with someone and he is my best friend now.

I’ll leave you with a pop culture reference. In Pokemon: The First Movie -Mewtwo Strikes Back (1998), Meowth ( The small talking cat-like pokemon from Team Rocket) says the following :

“We do have a lot in common. The same Earth, the same air, the same sky. Maybe if we started looking at what’s the same instead of what’s different… well, who knows.”‘

And that’s beautiful